This Little Adventure O' Mine

My ex was online. This is a miracle and sign of the end times. Seriously. I did not, however, get the opportunity to speak to her beyond making it clear that if she messaged me that would be a good thing (tm)
Why? Well....because....I miss talking to her, like someone who might actually understand where I've been, instead of glossing over or assuming some things.
Laken has seen/been speaking to her ex. Not the One Wose Name Will Not Be Spoken, but another one, who I don't have any personal distaste for, its more on principle. The greatest of which is that her exes are fair game and mine are not. Now, if I had a potentially revifable relationship with one of my exes this might be a fair point, alas (see above,) I do not, so its more an emotional thing than a real problem.

On a better note, I have begun re-reading Steven Brust's Taltos series and am immeasurably happier for the effort. I forgot how much I liked the humor/wit/super cool world that Brust has in these books. Google it folks, and if you like funny, smart 007 style fantasy, this is best there is.

I can't help but feel flat these days. As I slide into being someone I no longer recognize. I appear to exist on the treadmill of doing what other want, be it work, or social engagements or family stuff or whatever. I keep feeling like I need to do something that is more about what I want, but I can no longer remember what I really want except to not do what everyone else wants me to. Its a frustrating and occasionally engraging place to be.
I can not remember what I want to do. I cannot remember the activities that used to make me happy. I cannot remember who I was.
"Shut up, shut up! Stop it! Leave me alone! Let me have some peace!"
"...."
"Oh wait, now what do I do?"

Nothing exists beyond the surface. I can't think beyond the surface anymore.

Is this what that big ugly thing called life IS? Is this all there is to it? Slowly drowning in the sea of materalism and "what everyone else expects"?
I'm not getting it.

Oh the smell of anxiety in the morning. I just had a full 10 day off of work, courtesy of some holidays and a few saved up personal days. This is the most anxious I have been about being at work in a long time. So much for returning to work rested and relaxed. Not even some usually anxiety reducing strategic procrastinating is doing the trick.

And now I believe I just lost everything I did so far this morning. Splendid.

I found my horse. He is the most beautiful horse thing with four legs I have ever seen, and I am horribly biased, two of my favorite breeds in beautiful combination. I however, probably couldn't afford to house him, let alone spend $5000 I do not have lying around the house just to aquire him. I am still considering spending a day on my week off to go see him, all the while honsetly pondering selling myself to slavery getting a second job so I could own him. The really sad part is, that price is really low, I bet they could get twice that for him if they asked, so its not like I could see if I could get a lower price.

The other unfortunate part is that there would be a nice place to keep him only 10 miles from our place. For what sounds like a great place $175-$250 a month is a great deal, especially so close to the city.

Bah Humbug.
Life isn't fair.

sometimes....
...I would really like to not have everything I do be complicated by...some little thing not working, I'm sure its not everything but sometimes it really feels like it
...I wish I was superman
...I wonder what would happen if I could do it over
...I think I'm ment for something greater
...I wonder if I'll ever leave something for someone to remember
...I think God is playing with me....and enjoying it
...I'd really like dreams to be realistic
...I want to be in the middle of nowhere
...I want some cool condo downtown
...I wonder "what if?"
...I think I ought to do more...somehow
....sometimes

So as relationship drama fades, holiday crazies begin. Yay for two Thanksgiving dinners in a row! Or more accurately, "How the hell am I going to eat that much food?!?" Thanskgiving this year will consist of a lunch time meal at my Paternal Grandparents house, followed by an evening meal with Laken's family, all the family I like all in one day. I'm sure Friday will be spent recovering and eating leftovers, I'm odly stoked for that.

In other random news, is it rude to eat meat and/or cheese in front of a person who is vegan for political reasons? I was asked (several times, politely) to refrain from ordering the sub that has a pile of meat&cheese on it, because we were eating with a person who does not. I did however get cheese on the sub, because well....I can't live without cheese...odd as that sounds. I just wondered, because I'm not vegetarian or vegan, but thats not because I haven't thought about it. I can totally understand why someone would choose that route, and bonus points for them, really....but um, can I still have my italian sub? Please? Even if I have to get a lecture with it. Plus, I really don't like sprouts all that much.

Here's hoping for a safe and fun and happy holiday to everybody.

PS. Dear God, I really like the snow. It is great. I really want it to snow, but I also don't want people to drive crazy and hurt themselves and/or others. Maybe we can work something out? Love, Cole

PPS. It needs to be 5pm right NOW. Please.

It is a slight comfort that the thought "I don't care about anything anymore" actually evokes a feeling of mild panic. I am still left with wondering how to start caring again...if I ever did.

In a sort of unrelated note: I would like to throw away almost everything in my appartment. I am so damn sick of looking at it. The majority of the stuff was stuff from my parents house that I wasn't missing in the first place. My mom wanted it out of there and now I have no idea what to do with it, other than store it. I highly doubt that I will miss the crap once its gone but actually throwing it away is difficult. I would like to be able to vaccum the living room floor. I want a neat looking appartment but am apparently unable to put in the effort that that would require. I would like to remain angry about this enough to do something once I go home. I doubt it will happen. Apathy kills. Litterally.

I don't really know if I'm sick or not, I'm thinking not, but I feel all...flushed and light-headed in that cold/flu sort of way. Its making me crave comfort food, like soup & tea. There is also a distinct inability to concentrate.
Somebody is sneezing and one of my co-workers is out sick today. Maybe something is going around.

I just realized I left my new little bamboo plant at home :( Poor little thing is in the bathroom with no light, so the cats don't eat it or knock it over.

I finally managed to sit through the movie "Alexander" (after three failed attempts) and I can't say I feel any better for having done so.

Six Flags Fright Fest was fun, and interesting. Superman was pretty fun, except of course for the part where I was making this really odd face, and that was at the exact moment that it took our picture.

I went to PFLAG on the 1st, despite last spring(-ish) and the ex-inspired drama that that entailed. In this case, said ex was not there, but one of my favorite "PFLAG People" was there.
In any case, during the meeting, I ended up spewing a bunch of negitive stuff that's been stewing for far too long, I felt like such a downer, and felt ashamed for not having so much positive stuff to talk about. After my little emotional "up-chuck" several of the members were talking about needing to "take care of me" and other such nonsense that people have been telling me for a long time.
Today I finally realized, I have no idea what they mean by that. None. I've never felt like I needed to be taken care of, by me or anyone else. I don't "need" I just "am." I have no fucking clue what my needs are, at all. I know when I'm hungry, usually, and I eat, I know when I need to pee. Physically, the bare minimums are being kept up, most of the time. Spiritually, I was doing a lot of "moving and shaking" under Pastor C's tutalidge, but that has since ceased, and I've grown rather comfortably numb. Emotionally, I feel like a 3 year old. This has become a problem. I'm not a "whole person" in any sense of the word. I don't have much in the way of goals, and the ones I do consider seem to loom impossibly large and impossible, or far away and impossible. I've mentally trapped myself with the debt I've got. Financially I can probably make it all work, but its such a mental hurdle I may just take my feet out from under myself before I can get there.
I need to figure out what I need to put myself together, but I haven't got a clue where to start. I can't remember what it feels like to be "whole" and don't feel like I was ever really there.
I ought to be enjoying my life but I don't even know what makes life enjoyable for me.

It looks quiet probable that Laken will be out for the evening and I am really feeling the need to get out of the appartment for the evening as well, however, I called my buddy and she's going out with her gf (figures, damnit Dee!) and I don't really want to go out the the bar by myself. Mostly it would be because I'd go to the queer bars (the only place I'd feel safe by myself) and Laken would promptly shoot me in the face so thats a no-go. So I'm stuck on my ass at home. I'm not really moping about it, I just want to remind myself that sometimes I do want to be social....sometimes.

I have graph paper. Its not the cheap stuff either, its that nice smooth heavy paper with the perfect colored lines and the nice flip-up cover that bends right and doesn't make unsightly bulges. Its sitting here, staring at me, begging to have positively geeky things done to it. Alas I am at a loss.

I wonder if I should get out of the office more.....

Anger and frustration are so much easier than dispair.
Isolation is easier than negotiation.
Apathy means not having to surrender.

Fire can carry me but all it does is take me for a ride and dump me back into the pit I thought I crawled out of.

Nothing like a random Tuesday morning to make you feel like a worthless human being.

Caffiene = ADD....I cannot concentrate for shit, this is so frustrating. The worst part is, I want *MORE* Caffiene, in the form of Coffee, that is at my appartment, while I am here, at work.

I am thinking about God, and dragons, and truck driving and metaphysics and Point and school and am craving French Silk Pie with Cofee like you would not believe I need a Perkins NOW. I have all of this energy all of a sudden but it typical me style its not *going* anywhere, just making me nuts. Its like I took something....only I haven't even eaten anything since 11 am and its now after 3. Its a nice 'manic' style break from the bleakness that's been hounding me for weeks.

EDIT: I found a Perkins that is like 10 blocks from our appartment....the temptation is major

I am no longer doing backups. My boss is. I'm sure this is some sort of black mark on my employment record but I do not give a flying f*ck. This makes me happy. I hope I never have to do it again.

Ever since I was a kid I wanted to travel. When we did all of our summer vacations we'd stop at the truck stops and I'd see all the big trucks in the lot and think that must be the best job in the world, outside and moving all the time, nobody staring over your shoulder, working with your home 'on your back' like a turtle. Until I was told in no uncertain terms that that was 100% unacceptable for somebody like me. I was raised better and I was going to get a college education if it killed me and driving a truck? That was for people who couldn't do any better.
And now I've actually considered that I could do it. I could go drive a truck and see the country. I'm near certain that Laken would leave me for it, so it still seems like that far-away dream of a child but I don't know if I can see myself in an office the rest of my life, and it has always been my dream to be on the road. Of course I've had lots of dreams since I was a kid, the other big one being to work with horses. They're both long hours and little to no vacation type jobs. They're both, get on your kees and get dirty kinda jobs. They're both no suit and tie jobs. On the other hand I could see myself doing either and being happy. I know when I started this job, I don't know if I was happier about the job itself or happier being not-unemployed. Maybe I was happy, I can't remember and now its all tainted by this feeling of less-than, and feeling like I deserve it, because I do keep making mistakes. So what if I did it, and Laken didn't leave me and waited patiently for me to be home every few weeks? What if I did it for a whole year and hated it? Could I go back to suit'n tie? Would I be stuck and have student loans up the wazoo and not being able to find a thing, being unhappy again? I never even considered that I'd be unhappy working with computers. I still like playing with computers, I'm just not sure I want to work with IT people. I really really hate backups. If I never do another backup again, it will be too soon.
Why the hell am I even considering dropping everything I've known to go do a really tough, really dirty, not so well paying ('tho the range is around the same for IT work as it is for company drivers) lonely job? I can't figure that out at all. I think it will pass soon. My dislike for what I'm doing probably won't pass 'tho, so I'm still stuck. I even went to look at the IT jobs for one of the big carrier companies and it looked.....unappealing. I've gone nuts. Thats all I can think, and I think someone ought to talk some sense into me.

Hah, and the thing that sucks? We can't go up to Point this weekend. I can't afford $100 in gas alone. I can't even afford to do the things I want on what I'm making. I can't even figure out why.

I think my lips are sunburned, and it sucks.
Went camping this weekend, with 7 other people, it was pretty crazy because we haven't spent much time with any of the people we went with in a long time. I enjoyed myself quite a bit, except sleeping in the Jeep on friday night because it was pouring, and there was no way we were going to get our tent up in the dark and the rain and not get it completely soaked. We would have been kinda miserable either way, but I prefered, dryer and miserable to wet and miserable.
This morning I am depressed, I don't want to go to work....ever again. I'm thinking I should start sending out resumes or something because I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to make myself go in there. I can't even figure it out, its not like its so horrible, other than when my boss thinks I'm screwing everything up.
I got my septum re-pierced, I missed it.
I don't know what to do to relieve this feeling of tension and depression.

We are going camping this weekend. I am excited and nevous, we had so much fun last time, I'm afraid this time won't be so great or something.
I find myself wanting to go far away so that I can look back and see the appartment as home. After 8 months, I would have thought I'd find some peace there but it seems like, while I'm not a guest in my own home, I'm not fully convinced its 'home' rather than the place I go to eat and sleep. I don't feel real in my own life. And its not the good 'its too good to be true' sort of un-real, its more just this underlying sense of 'what the hell am I doing, really?' kind of thing. Part of me wants to be free to throw caution to the wind and wander wherever the spirit takes me, to get this restless itch out of my system. I know that I'd never do it, there are things that keep me here, things that I love and want in my life.

I have the 5th off. I would like to do something fun/nice. I don't know yet what I would like to do.

Laken starts classes today. Part of me is jealous.

You know, I really hate when I genuinely try to get some perspective on a situation and just plain can't. Maybe its the depression, back with a vengence and a serious anxiety chaser but I am not at all able to get a handle on this one.

The long and short of it is, I 100% completely expect that tomorrow I will be yelled at for something at work. More than likely it will be something that I thought I understood that I obviously didn't, it quite possibly could be because something isn't working the way it should be and I didn't find it fast enough, or maybe it will be because I'm plan old slow. Its becoming painfully obvious that while I'm not totally incompetent I can't believe I'm really competent for all 3 of the 'jobs' I'm doing. All in all, my confidence is shot to all hell and I think I've given up caring. At one point I might have purposed some additional reading material or maybe something a bit more involving to build my skills, as it is, I just want fucking out.
The thing is, despite all of this, part of me thinks that if I up and walked out tomorrow, the entire company might sink. They lost their primary software engineer a few months back and have yet to replace him and anyone who would come in to fill what has been my primary project the past few months would face a steep learning curve learning a language designed for researchers (not programmers) and the nasty pit falls that face anyone coming in 1/2 way in. Thats not even what is stopping me.
Its not even the bit of enjoyment I got out getting my hands dirty in some real programming last week (none of this script shit that I am so tired of.)
Its that I'd be walking out with lead weights on my feet.
I'm in debt and fincancial commitments up to my eyeballs. Its not huge but getting a job at BK isn't gonna cover it by a long shot and if at 9 months on my first job I quit in an already tight market I'm gonna be in deep and I'm really tired of worrying about money.

I want to start over. I want to say "fuck you mom for thinking the things that I love won't get me anywhere in life." I want to go back and tell myself to go with my gut instead of bowing to what other said. I want to go back and learn to hold my dreams up to the stars and reach for them instead of placing them so firmly in the realm of fantasy. Mostly I want to go back and realize that I'd be so much happier if I had learned how to live my life for myself despite of some ideal that doesn't even make sense. I'm too fucking young for so many regrets. I'm young enough to fix it but old enough to realize that some of the damage is done.

All in all, I feel trapped.

Did you know, that because I'm lucky enough to work in a building that used to be a hospital the one thing this building abounds with is bathrooms? Its not even the sheer number, its the number of single stall multi-gendered bathrooms, they're not even labeled as handicapped only or anything, they're for everyone. Its really great because I've never had to face the bathroom problem here. Seriously, there is one right across the hall and one around the corner, so if one is occupied, usually the other isnt.
Now if only the building could stop being just that little bit creepy. Laken has been here a few times and she was all weirded out by the call lights still being visable in the hallways, I don't notice them much anymore but her having pointed it out, I glance every once in a while to see if any are lit up. I could really imagine it happening, thats how creepy the place is.
In any case, three cheers for being able to pee in peace and comfort.