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On exes and some of my other favorite things.

Feb. 27th, 2006 | 05:03 pm

My ex was online. This is a miracle and sign of the end times. Seriously. I did not, however, get the opportunity to speak to her beyond making it clear that if she messaged me that would be a good thing (tm)
Why? Well....because....I miss talking to her, like someone who might actually understand where I've been, instead of glossing over or assuming some things.
Laken has seen/been speaking to her ex. Not the One Wose Name Will Not Be Spoken, but another one, who I don't have any personal distaste for, its more on principle. The greatest of which is that her exes are fair game and mine are not. Now, if I had a potentially revifable relationship with one of my exes this might be a fair point, alas (see above,) I do not, so its more an emotional thing than a real problem.

On a better note, I have begun re-reading Steven Brust's Taltos series and am immeasurably happier for the effort. I forgot how much I liked the humor/wit/super cool world that Brust has in these books. Google it folks, and if you like funny, smart 007 style fantasy, this is best there is.

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1D

Feb. 17th, 2006 | 03:45 pm
mood: discontentdiscontent

I can't help but feel flat these days. As I slide into being someone I no longer recognize. I appear to exist on the treadmill of doing what other want, be it work, or social engagements or family stuff or whatever. I keep feeling like I need to do something that is more about what I want, but I can no longer remember what I really want except to not do what everyone else wants me to. Its a frustrating and occasionally engraging place to be.
I can not remember what I want to do. I cannot remember the activities that used to make me happy. I cannot remember who I was.
"Shut up, shut up! Stop it! Leave me alone! Let me have some peace!"
"...."
"Oh wait, now what do I do?"

Nothing exists beyond the surface. I can't think beyond the surface anymore.

Is this what that big ugly thing called life IS? Is this all there is to it? Slowly drowning in the sea of materalism and "what everyone else expects"?
I'm not getting it.

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(no subject)

Jan. 3rd, 2006 | 11:06 am
mood: anxiousanxious

Oh the smell of anxiety in the morning. I just had a full 10 day off of work, courtesy of some holidays and a few saved up personal days. This is the most anxious I have been about being at work in a long time. So much for returning to work rested and relaxed. Not even some usually anxiety reducing strategic procrastinating is doing the trick.

And now I believe I just lost everything I did so far this morning. Splendid.

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Dreams are too expensive

Dec. 22nd, 2005 | 03:01 pm
mood: disappointeddisappointed

I found my horse. He is the most beautiful horse thing with four legs I have ever seen, and I am horribly biased, two of my favorite breeds in beautiful combination. I however, probably couldn't afford to house him, let alone spend $5000 I do not have lying around the house just to aquire him. I am still considering spending a day on my week off to go see him, all the while honsetly pondering selling myself to slavery getting a second job so I could own him. The really sad part is, that price is really low, I bet they could get twice that for him if they asked, so its not like I could see if I could get a lower price.

The other unfortunate part is that there would be a nice place to keep him only 10 miles from our place. For what sounds like a great place $175-$250 a month is a great deal, especially so close to the city.

Bah Humbug.
Life isn't fair.
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(no subject)

Dec. 16th, 2005 | 03:43 pm

sometimes....
...I would really like to not have everything I do be complicated by...some little thing not working, I'm sure its not everything but sometimes it really feels like it
...I wish I was superman
...I wonder what would happen if I could do it over
...I think I'm ment for something greater
...I wonder if I'll ever leave something for someone to remember
...I think God is playing with me....and enjoying it
...I'd really like dreams to be realistic
...I want to be in the middle of nowhere
...I want some cool condo downtown
...I wonder "what if?"
...I think I ought to do more...somehow
....sometimes

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(no subject)

Nov. 23rd, 2005 | 01:43 pm
mood: gratefulgrateful

So as relationship drama fades, holiday crazies begin. Yay for two Thanksgiving dinners in a row! Or more accurately, "How the hell am I going to eat that much food?!?" Thanskgiving this year will consist of a lunch time meal at my Paternal Grandparents house, followed by an evening meal with Laken's family, all the family I like all in one day. I'm sure Friday will be spent recovering and eating leftovers, I'm odly stoked for that.

In other random news, is it rude to eat meat and/or cheese in front of a person who is vegan for political reasons? I was asked (several times, politely) to refrain from ordering the sub that has a pile of meat&cheese on it, because we were eating with a person who does not. I did however get cheese on the sub, because well....I can't live without cheese...odd as that sounds. I just wondered, because I'm not vegetarian or vegan, but thats not because I haven't thought about it. I can totally understand why someone would choose that route, and bonus points for them, really....but um, can I still have my italian sub? Please? Even if I have to get a lecture with it. Plus, I really don't like sprouts all that much.

Here's hoping for a safe and fun and happy holiday to everybody.

PS. Dear God, I really like the snow. It is great. I really want it to snow, but I also don't want people to drive crazy and hurt themselves and/or others. Maybe we can work something out? Love, Cole

PPS. It needs to be 5pm right NOW. Please.

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(no subject)

Oct. 17th, 2005 | 04:28 pm

It is a slight comfort that the thought "I don't care about anything anymore" actually evokes a feeling of mild panic. I am still left with wondering how to start caring again...if I ever did.

In a sort of unrelated note: I would like to throw away almost everything in my appartment. I am so damn sick of looking at it. The majority of the stuff was stuff from my parents house that I wasn't missing in the first place. My mom wanted it out of there and now I have no idea what to do with it, other than store it. I highly doubt that I will miss the crap once its gone but actually throwing it away is difficult. I would like to be able to vaccum the living room floor. I want a neat looking appartment but am apparently unable to put in the effort that that would require. I would like to remain angry about this enough to do something once I go home. I doubt it will happen. Apathy kills. Litterally.

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(no subject)

Oct. 17th, 2005 | 02:45 pm

I don't really know if I'm sick or not, I'm thinking not, but I feel all...flushed and light-headed in that cold/flu sort of way. Its making me crave comfort food, like soup & tea. There is also a distinct inability to concentrate.
Somebody is sneezing and one of my co-workers is out sick today. Maybe something is going around.

I just realized I left my new little bamboo plant at home :( Poor little thing is in the bathroom with no light, so the cats don't eat it or knock it over.

I finally managed to sit through the movie "Alexander" (after three failed attempts) and I can't say I feel any better for having done so.

Six Flags Fright Fest was fun, and interesting. Superman was pretty fun, except of course for the part where I was making this really odd face, and that was at the exact moment that it took our picture.

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"Take care of yourself...."

Oct. 11th, 2005 | 04:19 pm

I went to PFLAG on the 1st, despite last spring(-ish) and the ex-inspired drama that that entailed. In this case, said ex was not there, but one of my favorite "PFLAG People" was there.
In any case, during the meeting, I ended up spewing a bunch of negitive stuff that's been stewing for far too long, I felt like such a downer, and felt ashamed for not having so much positive stuff to talk about. After my little emotional "up-chuck" several of the members were talking about needing to "take care of me" and other such nonsense that people have been telling me for a long time.
Today I finally realized, I have no idea what they mean by that. None. I've never felt like I needed to be taken care of, by me or anyone else. I don't "need" I just "am." I have no fucking clue what my needs are, at all. I know when I'm hungry, usually, and I eat, I know when I need to pee. Physically, the bare minimums are being kept up, most of the time. Spiritually, I was doing a lot of "moving and shaking" under Pastor C's tutalidge, but that has since ceased, and I've grown rather comfortably numb. Emotionally, I feel like a 3 year old. This has become a problem. I'm not a "whole person" in any sense of the word. I don't have much in the way of goals, and the ones I do consider seem to loom impossibly large and impossible, or far away and impossible. I've mentally trapped myself with the debt I've got. Financially I can probably make it all work, but its such a mental hurdle I may just take my feet out from under myself before I can get there.
I need to figure out what I need to put myself together, but I haven't got a clue where to start. I can't remember what it feels like to be "whole" and don't feel like I was ever really there.
I ought to be enjoying my life but I don't even know what makes life enjoyable for me.

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(no subject)

Sep. 30th, 2005 | 01:05 pm

It looks quiet probable that Laken will be out for the evening and I am really feeling the need to get out of the appartment for the evening as well, however, I called my buddy and she's going out with her gf (figures, damnit Dee!) and I don't really want to go out the the bar by myself. Mostly it would be because I'd go to the queer bars (the only place I'd feel safe by myself) and Laken would promptly shoot me in the face so thats a no-go. So I'm stuck on my ass at home. I'm not really moping about it, I just want to remind myself that sometimes I do want to be social....sometimes.

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